A Day in the Life of Penguin
by Alice in Realityland
Summary: What I imagine an average day for Penguin is.


*Monday - November 12th*

5:00 AM - Woke up to Jean Bart's alarm clock chirping next to him. Decided to sleep an extra few minutes and reached down below to the first bunk and knocked the alarm clock to the ground, smashing it. Fell back to sleep.

6:13 AM - Woke up for second time and almost pissed himself when he saw the sun so high in the sky. Fell out of bunk and hit head on corner of nightstand and cut arms on smashed alarm clock.

6:29 AM - Regained consciousness covered in own blood. Woke up Shachi and demanded to be given stitches. Cleaned up and disposed of alarm clock pieces afterwards while Shachi laughed.

6:40 AM - Took quick bath to wash off dried blood and then updated the ships log to current position on the Red Line. Attempted to find Log Pose before entering the Grand Line but gave up when a jar fell to the ground from a top shelf and covered him in a strange liquid while depositing what appeared to be a human penis on his left foot.

7:21 AM - Took second bath but discovered that water cannot be made hot enough to burn away the memory of his foot coming into contact with a penis nor can an entire bottle of shampoo take away the scent of formaldehyde.

7:47 AM - Finally located missing Captain Law in the library passed out while hugging bottle of scotch among stacks of medical journals, romance novels, and textbooks. Took single picture to show Shachi as proof of Captain's love for romance novels and dragged Captain by legs back to his bedroom. Tucked him up to his neck in his blankets and adjusted his human anatomy doll next to the bed. Took another picture and left glass of orange juice and headache pill on table.

8:00 AM - Made breakfast for entire crew. Replaced alarm clock for Jean while crew was eating. Discovered Bepo sleeping on deck and covered in frost. Dumped hot water on Bepo and made him mop deck for sleeping through breakfast. Finished mopping deck when Bepo started to cry halfway through. Finished eating cold breakfast with Bepo and an extremely hungover captain.

8:18 AM - Updated ships log again. Still have not managed to locate Log Pose but have managed to find a human skeleton after opening a chest. He thought it was plastic until the stench of death hit him and he recognized the blunt force trauma on the back of the skull. He closed the chest and kicked it into the closet.

8:34 AM - Noticed Spring Island and docked to buy supplies and trade captured treasures. Almost filled entire storeroom until another ship rolled into harbor and their captain picked a fight with Captain Law. Captain Law fought while the crew finished loading the ship but were delayed by half an hour because Captain Law had tied rival captain to mast and looted rival ship of 152,379 Beli. Guess who had to count the money. On another note, oranges had apparently grown so well this year that whoever docked on the island had to take fifteen crates with them when they left or pay a 75,000 Beli fine. Captain Law apparently had his eye on a rather expensive new Transponder Snail and ultimately decided to take the oranges instead of pay the fine, even with his new spoils from the defeated pirates.

12:00 PM - Arrived with a three hour delay at a nearby barren Winter Island to get rid of rival captain and crew. Could have arrived earlier had the submarine been able to submerge but Captain Law wanted to punish them and refused to unchain them from deck railings or mast. Showed a small amount of mercy to rivals by leaving them with several dull knives, a crate of oranges and a pot and pan. Captain Law laughed and waved goodbye to them when we set sail with a handful of stolen Beli while eating an orange.

12:13 PM - Cooked lunch. Cleaned up spilled lunch after Shachi and Jean knocked soup pot over while sparring with ladles and wooden spoons. Found Captain Law hiding in back of pantry with a romance novel. Promised not to tell Eustass Kidd or Luffy. Silently weep over what his life has come to while nursing a bottle of rum and being ignored for the most part by Captain Law.

12:30 PM - Recovered from small nervous breakdown and served lunch. Resisted intense urge to break Shachi's sunglasses and shove shards into his eyeballs when he asked why the soup was cold.

1:24 PM - Went for weekly checkup with Captain Law. Ignored incision lines drawn onto stomach and reminded himself to fix the lock on his bedroom door. Was told to eat oranges to prevent scurvy.

1:36 PM - Did inventory on all medical supplies and clean and sharpened all surgical tools. Thought he finished without cutting himself until he knocked over an open bottle of rubbing alcohol and covered himself head to toe in the stuff. It has since been labeled by other crew mates as 'The Scream Heard Around The Line.' Hmm.

2:51 PM - Gave emergency medical attention to passing ship. Managed to get groped by two delirious and drugged out women and eight men.

3:12 PM - Captain Law deduced in this short time that the passing ship's crew were going to be fine and left them to wake up from the medication by themselves with detailed instructions written by Captain Law taped to what we all hope was the ship's doctor's forehead. Also left a crate of oranges on upper deck.

4:00 PM - Was halfway through cooking dinner when Captain Law requested lemon chicken. Would not be swayed in any direction other than lemon chicken. Once again resisted intense urge to tell Captain to shove an orange up his ass.

4:28 PM - Forced to steer submarine to closest Summer Island and buy fucking lemons for lemon chicken.

4:39 PM - Cooked lemon chicken and rice for dinner and ate with rest of crew for once. Captain Law complained the chicken was a bit dry. Two anti psychotic pills were immediately fished out of his jumpsuit chest pocket and swallowed with entire glass of rum. Ignored stares of crew.

5:14 PM - Finished dinner and went to do the crew's laundry. Saw unspeakable things including; a real leopard fur thong, a t-shirt covered in what appeared to be semen and blood, a used condom, and a mood stabilizer prescription prescribed to Captain Law. The fact that Captain Law needed mood stabilizers scared him more than the thong.

6:00 PM - Decided he had had enough trauma with washing laundry, he decided to try and organize Captain Law's patient file folders. He opened the archive room, took one look at the literally thousands of folders and quietly closed the door.

6:10 PM - Was put on sonar watch for sea kings. Was so bored, almost called for a false alarm. Passed around oranges to crew mates below deck.

7:00 PM - Did a quick check of the patient ward and refilled two of the six patient's IV bags. Changed bed sheets on every empty bed. Asked patients if they wanted an orange.

7:22 PM - Cleaned up library after Captain Law's late night. Found out what being stabbed in the ass by a scalpel felt like after collapsing in an armchair.

8:14 PM - Combed Bepo for fleas and gave him a tick bath. Shachi felt the overwhelming need to push him into the bath but at least now he won't get ticks or fleas and his coat is long and luxurious.

8:46 PM - Did dishes from dinner and added cut up oranges to the water. Made fresh orange juice for tomorrow's breakfast.

9:41 PM - Swept top deck while on first night watch.

10:30 PM - Ended watch when Jean took over and reported for bed.

11:11 PM - Finally fell asleep after being kept up half the night by Shachi snoring in the bunk below. The entire submarine reeked of oranges, shame and disinfectant but at least it wasn't to to break apart tonight.


End file.
